Can we talk about 'emotional withdrawal syndrome' after a love breakup?

How to distinguish if grief is pathological

In recent times, awareness and the fight against the stigmas that weigh on mental health problems have led many people to seek appropriate care for their discomforts. However, the tendency can also lead to a difficulty in distinguishing when a certain situation constitutes a true psychological disorder.

Such is the case of processes such as mourning after the loss of loved ones or love relationships; It is an experience that certainly causes intense pain, but it is completely universal. Recently, it has been proposed that there is an 'emotional withdrawal syndrome' that would be a pathological version of this process, but its conceptual borders are not at all clear.

"It's normal for most people"

This is how María Such de Lorenzo-Cáceres, a psychologist at the Cuarzo Center - Scientific Psychology, explains it to 20minutos: "The concept of 'emotional withdrawal syndrome' is a label that seems to circulate in the networks under which it is tried to bring together the normal psychophysiological manifestations characteristic of an emotional breakdown. But from the point of view of psychology and medicine, it would not be a valid defining entity. It has neither diagnostic utility nor is it a construct that has empirical support."

To understand why, we must attend to the precise meaning of the terms. "In the first place, by the very definition of what a syndrome is: a set of symptoms and signs that tend to appear together consistently and that are distinctive with respect to the group with which they are compared (and that do not necessarily cause disease, although may predispose to it.) The manifestations that fall under this label are the normal and usual ones for most people when facing a breakup. And this brings us to the second reason why it is not a correct term: because they already There are other more appropriate definitions for this emotional process".

Thus, he points out, "if we had to give it a name, we would be talking about a 'mourning' that, although colloquially limited to the loss due to death, is actually a way of naming those emotions, thoughts and behaviors that arise and are maintained during some time after an abrupt change in the relationship with someone (or even something) with whom we maintained an attachment bond".

"Mourning serves to fit what has been lived into our history"

"Are the changes that occur after a loss uncomfortable, stressful, even disconcerting? Yes, they can be, even if they are a normal psychological reaction," Such acknowledges. In fact, he develops, they fulfill a relevant function for our well-being: "the pain, sadness and longing that appear, along with the rest of the 'symptoms', have the function of making us slow down our lives a bit; of seeking refuge and support in our environment, to find the time to process what we have experienced (both the relationship and the subsequent breakup) and give it a 'hole' in our history".

"Seeing links as an addiction is wrong"

"For this reason", he continues, "I do not think it is positive to speak of a 'syndrome': because in the good intention of trying to label a phenomenon, one goes through pathologizing or highlighting a process that, in reality, is normal and common to all human beings. To speak of a 'withdrawal syndrome' in the rupture of relationships and ties is to see them as an addiction, which is incorrect; it equates the pain and discomfort of loss with a clinical phenomenon, and I sincerely believe that That only adds confusion and even fear to those who are grieving a breakup and think they won't be able to get over it."

This is not to say that, in some cases, the process of getting over a breakup can't become singularly difficult, more so than we might consider common. "Yes, it is true that this state of discomfort can be particularly intense in some people, or it can generate suffering that they experience as overwhelming, which usually leads to the implementation of behaviors and resources that, in order to reduce or Avoiding said discomfort ends up making it worse or lengthening it over time", says the expert.

"Insecurely attached people tend to suffer more"

And it is that certain people could be more vulnerable in this type of situation. "There are a few indicators that are often associated with increased difficulty tolerating and coping with breakups and loss in significant relationships," Such says. "One of the main ones is the attachment style: both your own and the other person's."

"Attachment is the ability and need to establish emotional bonds with others from birth," he continues. "It is a fundamental function for our survival, since bonding is what allows us, at the beginning of our lives, to survive by stimulating responses of care and affection in others. How this bond is established, that is, how adults in the environment (particularly primary caregivers) respond to both our physiological and emotional needs as babies and children, allows us to develop insight into what the world is like and how we are in that world: is it a safe place, are people It is good, if my needs will probably be covered, if these needs and their expression will be taken into account and attended to; if I am lovable, acceptable, important, valid...".

"It has been observed that the attachment dynamics that we experience in our childhood play a fundamental role both in the configuration of our personality and in the way we relate to others that we will show as we grow; especially, when it comes to experiencing powerful bonds, with a high emotional charge and intimacy", he adds. "For this reason, people with more insecure attachment styles seem to have a tendency to suffer more, with interpretations such as that breakups constitute abandonment or rejection of their person and more difficult emotional regulation strategies."

"In the most intense cases, where the loss goes through generating more acute and persistent symptoms, more extreme behaviors and greater suffering, it could be said that we are facing a psychopathological picture and assess, even, a more maladjusted personality profile ( and that, surely, he has a history of similar experiences, and just as painful, in the past)", he adds.

"It may be advisable to ask for help from a professional"

These more extreme, and infrequent, instances can manifest in the form of worrying or risky behaviors: "Patent abandonment of self-care, leisure or social relationships, significant intensification of emotions (sadness, emptiness, apathy, anger...) or behaviors potentially risky (substance abuse, neglect of one's physical and/or emotional integrity, excessive and poorly adjusted attempts to recover the relationship, or frantic search for other relationships, sex without precautions, self-harm, suicidal ideation or attempts...)" , cites the psychologist as examples.

 "It's hard and it takes time, but it's not the end of our person"

Therefore, "the greater the suffering that the person perceives, and the greater the affectation or interference (observable or perceived) in their daily life, the more reasons there are to suspect the presence of a psychopathological process, of notable difficulty in managing the breakup or loss of the relationship, and therefore it may be more important to ask for professional help".

In the rest of the cases, however, coping may be different. "You cannot talk about treatment when we consider that it is not a pathological process. What is indicated, then, would be to be patient and for others to be patient with yourself: allow mourning, accept the emotions that a loss awakens in us, keep in mind that It's an adjustment process that nobody wants to go through, but it's part of life. It's hard and it takes time, but it doesn't mean the end of us."

"What helps the most is validating your emotions"

"It is recommended that the person maintain, as far as possible, their usual routines. This routine provides stability at a time when emotions 'do not accompany'. Also that they take special care of their moments of leisure and rest and those activities that find them relevant or significant, that are in line with their values ​​and their life project", recommends Such in these situations. "And, of course, the fact that it is not a psychopathology does not prevent you from asking for professional help or specific support by way of consultation or accompaniment."

Sometimes the other person from the former couple can help lead this process. "For the other party, the measures to observe will depend on the specific terms of the relationship and the break. A good guideline can be to respect their emotions and their timing, and not make decisions (especially if they sound 'extreme' or with important consequences ) at times when unpleasant emotions have a high intensity", continues the expert.